The Basics
What is Internet Dating?
To put it simply, Internet dating is all about using the Internet as a
means to find and make contact with someone. Be it a pen pal,
friend, sporting partner, casual date, relationship or your soulmate.
It’s all possible, and there are a literally millions of people out there
right now in every corner of the globe just willing and waiting.
You may have heard stories in the press about people meeting,
falling in love and even getting married on the Internet in ‘virtual
weddings’ without having met. That’s the world of the uninformed
misguided media; in reality things couldn’t be more different.
So you aren’t some computer geek, and you don’t want to meet
some computer geek right? “Heck, I don’t even own a computer”
I hear you saying. Well that’s ok, you don’t need to own a computer,
and the vast majority of the people on the Internet today are
‘normal’ people, just like you. That wasn’t how it was just a few
very short years ago, but now the Internet has grown to be almost
as ubiquitous as the telephone, and people from every facet of life
are using the Internet.
The Internet is fast becoming one of the easiest, most popular,
and surprisingly to most, one of the safest forms of meeting people.
Read on and you’ll find out why.
Assumptions
This book is written assuming that you know at least what the
Internet is and how to use it in a basic sense. For example, you
should be conversant with using a web browser and email at a
minimum. If you don’t know anything about these things then there
are countless books and courses out there that will get you started.
Once you have this basic understanding you are ready to tackle
Internet dating.
Also, this book will not go into detail about how to use certain
features of products mentioned, like ICQ, newsgroups, chat clients
and so forth, as each one would need (and have) a book in their
own right. But in most cases you will be directed to web pages to
find out more about them. The focus will be on the techniques and
the best way to make use of each product for the purposes of Internet
dating.
What Do You Need?
To start meeting people on the Internet you need three basic
things:
1) An Internet connection to the World Wide Web (www)
2) Spare time
3) This Blog for the best advice on how to go about it
You already have #3, that’s a great start.
#2 is up to you. The more time you have to spend on Internet
dating, the greater the potential. This free time will not only include
using the Internet itself, but making time available to actually meet
your dates in real life, which of course is what it’s all about.
What Kind of Person Do I Need to Be?
Anyone can succeed in the world of Internet dating, you don’t have
to be a certain kind of person, nor have any particular type of
personality. You don’t need to be a social recluse or have a degree
in computer science. People using Internet dating are as diverse as
can be imagined, so no one will be out of place.
Types of Internet Connection
There are 4 basic ways to get an Internet connection:
• At home with your own Internet connection
• An Internet connection at work
• A friend’s Internet machine
• A public access Internet terminal such as in a library or Internet
cafe.
By far the best thing to have is your own Internet connection at
home. You will be able to take all the time you like in the privacy of
your own home.
If you are going to use a machine at work to access the Internet
then there are several things to watch out for. For starters, most
companies have policies against using company computers for non-
work related activities, and if you get caught it could mean losing
your job. If, on the other hand, your company is happy for you to
use it for such a purpose and they know about it, then you can expect
to be hassled by everyone in the office wanting to know the
outcome of every email and date that you have!
Using a friend’s Internet machine is similar to using an office
machine. If you can get away with using it without your friend
looking over your shoulder, then great, otherwise they can tend to
get very nosey. On the other hand, having a friend to encourage
you and provide a bit of unbiased advice can be a great advantage.
Why not both of you try Internet dating together and see who can
get the most or best dates?
Public access terminals should be used as a last resort for three
major reasons. You generally can’t spend too much time on them,
which limits what you can do. Secondly, you tend to get people
looking over your shoulder, which can be a tad embarrassing. Third,
they are relatively expensive. However, if this is all you have access
to then that’s ok, you can certainly make do.
Is Internet Dating Safe?
YES!
It’s that simple, Internet dating is as safe as you want it to be,
you are in complete control. This cannot be stressed enough.
Most people out there are genuine and nice. In fact they are
generally much nicer than someone you will meet in a pub or
nightclub after they have had one too many to drink.
Most Internet dating ‘horror stories’ are along the lines of the
person they met was totally different to who they thought they
would be, and they never contacted again. A waste of time, not a
big deal. You get better horror stories about meeting people at the
local bus stop.
The great thing about the Internet is that it allows you to pick
and choose, and sort out most of the people who aren’t suitable
without ever coming face to face, giving your phone number, or
even emailing. You get to decide who to contact, when, and how
much information to give out, whether or not you meet, and where
and when you meet. You can’t possibly get any safer than that.
The Internet is for all intents and purposes anonymous until you
decide that you want to take it further. So come on, don’t be afraid,
be cautious if you like, but get out there and give it try, you will be
pleasantly surprised.
Is It Easy to Meet the Person
of Your Dreams?
Unfortunately not, just like in real life. In most cases it comes down
to perseverance and luck. The Internet, however, does give you the
benefit of a huge group of potential single people to choose from
and few of the usual social barriers, so your chances of meeting the
right person are greatly improved.
Sure there are many people who have fallen in love with and
married the first person that they have met via the Internet, so it
does happen for some people, but almost certainly will prove a bit
harder for the majority of people. Just as in real life, you meet
various people, have fun, and have the odd heartbreak along the
way before (hopefully) meeting your soulmate. In fact, technically
the Internet vastly improves your chances of meeting and falling in
love with the first person you meet; such is the power of the
information available to you via the Internet. There are no
guarantees, except for one; if you don’t give it a try you won’t
succeed.
For the more introverted people out there, the Internet is a
godsend. It’s not uncommon to date ten times as many people from
he Internet as you have met in normal social settings, and turn
down even more than that.
What Type of People Will I Meet?
One of the great aspects of the Internet is the seemingly limitless
variety of people you can meet. Anyone from the boy/girl next-door
type, Elvis fanatics, astronauts, fellow stamps collectors or worm
farmers, and it’s not unheard of to find the occasional supermodel
or celebrity. This is generally in stark contrast to the normal club/
pub/social circle routine in which you will mostly meet the same
kind of people from the same social set again and again.
Although the world of Internet users is almost infinite in scope,
when it comes to Internet dating here are few ‘personality types’
you might encounter. By no means take this list seriously; it’s just a
light-hearted look at some generalisations.
The average Internet dater
Just your average person, with an average job, a normal social circle
and a well-adjusted lifestyle genuinely looking for Mr/Ms Right.
The vast majority of people on the Internet personals scene fall
under this category. Maybe they are just like you?
The serial daters
These people just need to have someone to go out with every night
of the week. Most of them are just out for fun and like meeting
people to the extreme.
The swingers
These people are after a good time plain and simple, and they usually
won’t be shy about it in their profile. Casual affair, fling, call it what
you will; if this is what you are looking for then you’ll find no
shortage of takers on the Internet. You will be able to spot them a
mile away, they won’t be afraid to tell you what they want.
The chat freaks
These people live their lives in a virtual world; they spend their entire
day and night in chat rooms, and will generally only meet in real
life at chat room social functions, often organised by them. The
world of Internet chat rooms is their domain; enter at your own
risk. They generally ignore newbies anyway.
The contact collectors
These types of people never want to meet; they just want to have as
many people on their email list as possible. A lot of times they won’t
even return email, they will just add you to their list. Can usually be spotted
by the phrase, “I like making new email buddies,” in their profile.
The cyberers
Are just after cyber sex. You will find them lurking in seedy chat
rooms, and they’ll usually send you a chat request saying, “wanna
cyber?” or, “what are you wearing?” Each to their own. Entertain
them or just plain ignore them, it’s your choice.
The fakers
Are not who they appear to be. They use a fake name, fake photo,
lie on their profiles, and just enjoy being someone else. These people
are a hindrance to serious Internet daters. Luckily they can be
spotted, and very rarely agree to meet in real life.
The window shoppers
People who place a profile ‘just for the fun of it’. They like seeing
who will reply, but have no real intention of ever meeting or taking
it further. These can include people who are ‘just curious’, and want
to check out what it’s all about before getting serious.
Inhibitions Go Out the Window
You will quickly learn that on the Internet people are much more
open and willing to reveal almost anything. The feeling of being
behind a computer screen tricks your subconscious into revealing
much more than you would under normal circumstances. This is
most often the case within chat rooms when people are thinking
and typing in real time. They really let their hair down and give
little thought to what they are actually revealing.
This can have its benefits and it’s pitfalls. It’s great for you in
that you can potentially find out a lot of additional information about
people, which can help decide if they are the one for you. On the
other hand you can accidentally reveal personal information about
yourself that you may never have intended to. It can happen to
anyone, beware.
Use this to your advantage to find out as much as possible about
the person you are talking to. You can never have too much
information when you are looking for Mr/Ms Right.
Credit Card Security
Serious Internet dating will often require a credit card and a
willingness to use it online. Many people will be naturally scared at
such a prospect, but in reality this is completely unfounded. Quite
simply, credit cards are safer than cash.
Virtually all websites that accept credit cards online are securely
encrypted and run by large reputable businesses, and the chance of
your credit card number being stolen is almost non-existent.
However, even if your credit card number is stolen (a very remote
possibility), you have little to worry about. You are usually not liable
for any costs incurred if it is stolen. The merchant (the company
supplying the goods or services) is usually responsible for all debts
incurred with stolen credit cards. This is why you hear that ‘Credit
Card fraud is costing the industry millions per year’. The key word
there is that the ‘industry’ loses, you the consumer do not lose a
cent, except maybe for an increased cost in goods due to factors
like credit card fraud.
All you have to do is check your statement each month and report
any transactions that you know you did not make. Note, however,
that your credit card will most likely be cancelled and you will be
issued with a new number, so it is an inconvenience at worst.
If you have any doubts concerning credit card security, contact
your credit card supplier. Many people (myself included) have a
separate credit card that they use specifically for use online. It can
be used to pay for your Internet service provider, Internet dating
costs, and online shopping. This way if your credit card number is
stolen then it is only your online activities that are inconvenienced
and not your regular credit card bills and day-to-day lifestyle. A
separate card also makes it easier to track what you have spent.
If you are willing to pay for Internet dating then you will have
more success.
Misconceptions
Misconceptions about Internet dating abound due to the media,
early social stigma, and incorrect assumptions from people who
The Male/Female Ratio
It was only a few years ago when the Male/Female ratio on some
Internet dating sites was 90% or more in favour of males. Males
had to fight tooth and nail for the few females brave enough to enter.
It was not uncommon for a female to receive hundreds of emails on
the very first day that she placed her profile, or to be swamped by
chat requests as soon as entering a room.
I’m glad to report that things are now totally different, and the
Male/Female ratio is closer to 50/50 on most large sites. In fact, on
some sites the women complain that there aren’t enough decent
guys. But, as with real life, guys are generally always on the back
foot and have to work much harder to get a date. Girls have it much
easier than guys when it comes to just getting a date, but quality
dates are an each-way bet.
know nothing about Internet dating.
By and large, most of these misconceptions are all but buried,
and Internet dating is pretty much accepted in today’s modern
society. In fact, it is now at a point where it is relatively uncommon
not to know someone who has had some experience with Internet
dating, or has already met their partner via the Internet.
Techniques of Successful Internet Daters
Successful Internet daters love competition online, and actually
use the unsuccessful and inexperienced people to their advantage.
How do they do this?
For starters, they have their technique down pat, and it makes
them look really attractive. In contrast, inexperienced people can
appear unattractive, which in turn makes the successful people look
and sound even better than they really are!
There are a few rules to being successful at Internet dating:
• Don’t do, say or show anything that makes you look generally
unattractive or stupid.
• Know who and what you are looking for, and don’t be afraid to
say it.
• Be persistent, and play the numbers game.
• Stand out from the competition
Sounds easy and obvious, but this whole book is about getting it
right. The detail that can go into getting it right will amaze you.
Getting to Know Someone the Virtual Way
Is it actually possible to get to know someone well via the various
means available on the Internet without actually meeting in real
life?
Unfortunately the answer is that it’s extremely difficult. The
human mind has an amazing ability to be able to assume and
imagine things. Your imagination, expectations, and subconscious
tend to take over when you are presented with the scant amount of
information often found via the Internet. It is so easy to make false
assumptions about someone, and one of the biggest lessons you
could learn about Internet dating is not to assume anything.
No doubt you will find a profile or meet someone in a chat room
that you will think is just perfect, and the person you have been
waiting your whole life for. Trust me, it happens to every Internet
dater given enough time. Whatever you do you have to resist the
temptation to think you have met the person of your dreams. Be
enthusiastic and hopeful for sure, but try not to jump to such huge
conclusions based on what is essentially very little information.
Through experience you will learn that people usually turn out
quite differently in real life to the image you had built up of them
via the Internet. This is one of the most common outcomes of
meeting someone through the Internet, and really with hindsight it
is quite obvious why this is so.
If you have ever had a regular ‘blind date’, you will most likely
have already experienced this. The friend who set you up tells you
something about the person, but when you finally meet they end
up not being as they had been described. The differences with
Internet dating are that you often get to know more details about
the person beforehand from their profile and other information.
You can also chat and exchange emails for many months before
deciding to meet them.
Stay clear of ‘virtual relationships’ (getting to know and fall in
love with someone without meeting), they rarely, if ever work.
Getting to know someone requires interaction in the real world face
to face, there is no substitute for it. The Internet is a very poor and
often misleading alternative.
This, of course, does not mean you cannot get to know and fall
in love with someone via the Internet, it’s just that it’s extremely
difficult and statistically not very successful. For the vast majority
of people it will not work.
The best advice you can have is to use the Internet as a means of
making initial contact, and getting to know someone a little bit,
with the ultimate aim of meeting in real life as soon as possible.
Can You Fall in Love with Someone You Have Not Met Yet?
If you believe some of the stories in the press – YES, but the real
answer is sadly a big NO. If you have not met them in real life, then
you have not fallen in love with them, but the image of them you
have build up in your mind. It may feel like you have, but in reality
you are deceiving yourself. Not that there is anything really wrong
with this, but you may be setting yourself up for a great deal of
disappointment when you do meet. Be careful not to get too attached
to someone until you meet him or her in person.
Emailing is not surprisingly the most popular method of
communicating. Everyone has it; you can respond in your free time,
at home, from work, on a holiday, anywhere you have access to the
Internet.
Constant emails back and forth can often be a convenient way to
get to know someone, and it is also the most popular as it’s usually
the first point of contact. There are, however, some points to keep
in mind when using email to get to know someone:
• Some people are much better at expressing themselves in the
written word, than in real life and real time.
• Also, not all people are good at communicating and expressing
themselves via email. In fact, for many it is a new experience
and not part of their day-to-day life.
• The other person may expect you to be good at communicating
via email and you run the risk of appearing ‘dumb’ or
disinterested through no real fault of your own.
• Many people get a lot of email, and it’s easy, and often convenient
to ‘forget’ to reply. If you work in a modern office environment
where email is the main form of communication, you will no
doubt be very familiar with this.
Chat Rooms
The Internet provides many ways to ‘chat’ to someone in real time.
Be it as text messages typed in, a voice chat that is exactly like a
telephone call, or full video conferencing with video and sound.
Chatting is a great way to get to know someone in a short amount
of time, it’s much more efficient than email.
But it can have its drawbacks in that you typically don’t think
too much about what you are saying, and you can accidentally reveal
things that you didn’t intend to. On the other hand this can also be
an advantage to you.
Chatting complements email very well, and most Internet daters
will use both.
SMS Messaging
In today’s society, the ever-present mobile phone provides instant
communication with anyone, anywhere at any time. This
communication is not limited to voice, but can include text data as
well. Just like email, you can send and receive electronic SMS
messages on your mobile phone. You can even send them from an
Internet connection, which is why it’s mentioned in this book; it’s
another form of electronic communication using Internet
technology.
This move towards a wireless world is a largely untapped resource
that you can take advantage of to get to know someone. You can
arrange dates, send directions, and a whole lot more.
If you have someone’s mobile phone number and you are a bit
nervous about calling them, then why not send them an SMS
message. It’s a great way to break the ice, and it lets the other person
know that you are thinking about them.
Everyone loves getting an SMS message. It’s convenient, efficient,
and relatively cheap so definitely give it a go.
The Numbers Game
Internet dating is without a doubt a numbers game, statistics, call
it what you will, but that’s what it comes down to.
To put it simply, you have X number of people of the right gender,
Y number of those people who match what you are looking for, and
Z number of those people who are after someone like you.
Depending upon who you are and what you are looking for, the
number of Z people could vary from thousands down to just a few.
From my experiences I am convinced that there is a Z person - a
soulmate out there for everyone on the Internet dating scene. The
numbers are just so insanely large that it would take the most
pessimistic person in existence to believe anything else.
The art of Internet dating is to find those Z people, get in contact
with them, and convince them that you could be their Z person.
I highlighted convince them because one of the hardest and often
the most frustrating parts of Internet dating is trying to convince
someone else that you are worthy of being given a try. Obviously
you can’t know what the other person wants, but you can sometimes
get a reasonably good idea. If that person just can’t see it because
you forgot capitalize the ‘I’s’ in your email or they didn’t like the
colour of your hair in your photo or something equally as picky, it
can be rather disheartening.
But fear not, for the major goal of this book is to teach you all the
tricks of the Internet dating game and vastly improve your chances
of meeting your one in a million.
What you need to do is not make any mistakes, get things right
the first time, and it will only be a matter of time before your number
comes up and you meet your Mr/Ms Z
On the other hand, it’s so easy to make mistakes and miss all
your opportunities. Seeing as that there are only so many Z people
out there, the last thing you want to be doing is missing an
opportunity.
What are you waiting for? Your Z person could be logged on right
now…
What to expect
It’s easy to talk about all the wonderful things that Internet dating
can do for you, and it all sounds very easy right?
It can be easy, but a lot of you are no doubt sceptical and may be
wondering what it’s really like in the world of Internet dating. What
can you typically expect, the good things, the bad things, what are
the worst-case scenarios?
Well they are good questions, and I most certainly wouldn’t have
to been able to write this book, nor had the intention to write it if I
hadn’t have experienced the sometimes brutal reality of what
Internet dating is like for the inexperienced, and the experienced
for that matter.
Lets take a look at what the average Internet dater can expect.
Obviously some, all, or even none of these may happen to you. They
are merely to give you an idea of what a typical Internet dater who
meets a lot of people can expect given sufficient time. Just like
meeting people in normal social situations, many of these problems
will be familiar, but there are a few that are specific to Internet dating
given the medium it works under.
Internet dating really is little different to meeting people in real
life, you can meet some good people, and you can meet some bad
people. Internet dating just lets you do all of this with the utmost of
efficiency.
The Good
So what benefits can you expect from Internet dating?
Meeting new and interesting people
First and foremost you can expect to meet a lot of people. If you
play the game right your email box can be inundated and you won’t
know who to meet first. If you love meeting new and interesting
people then Internet dating is without a doubt the place you should
be.
More free time
Because Internet dating is so efficient when it comes to finding
people, you won’t have to spend countless late nights at clubs and
parties in pursuit of your ideal partner, or just a good time. You can
search for and get to know people when it suits you.
It’s Safe
Contrary to popular misguided assumptions, Internet dating is safer
than your usual club/pub environment. Many of you will no doubt
have experienced people who just keep hassling you at those venues,
and they can be difficult to get rid of at times. If the same things
happen to you on the Internet you can just hit the Delete button
and your problems are gone. You get to choose who, when, where
and how you will meet.
Meeting your perfect match
If you stick with Internet dating, sooner or later you are going to
meet the person you are looking for. The sheer number of people
on-line and the odds almost guarantee it. That is if you play the
game right.
It’s fun
Internet dating really is a lot of fun. It’s a refreshingly new and
exciting way of meeting people, and you will almost certainly get
caught up in the fun and excitement of it all.
The Bad
As with all things, you take the good with the bad…
Window Shoppers
Many people on the Internet dating scene are simply ‘window
shopping’. They might place a profile, respond to your profile, or
chat you up. But they are really just doing it to see what it’s like and
to have a bit of fun; they aren’t interested in meeting you. They can
waste a lot of your time leading you on. The same as your typical
flirter at a party.
Endless dates
One of the biggest disappointments can come in the form of date
after date after date after date without ever meeting anyone close
to who you are looking for. You might start to wonder why it’s so
hard to meet someone compatible.
This comes about because most people form an opinion about
you before you meet, which often turns out to be wrong, so they
end the date somewhat disillusioned. Add in the fact that it’s so
easy to get another date via the Internet, and you get the unfortunate
situation where either one or both parties don’t hit it off for what
are usually trivial reasons, and the rest is history.
There are some people who do hit it off with the very first person
they meet, but they are the vast minority. On average the typical
Internet Dater might go through dozens of dates before having met
the right one, but it can be a fun ride, and can, in fact, be one of the
most enjoyable aspects of Internet dating. So don’t let it get you
frustrated, get back out there and have some fun!
This is really no different to real life where you meet someone at
a club, pub or party; it’s just that the efficiency of the Internet means
that you can have a different date every night of the week if you so
desire. A definite benefit if your dating life was non-existent before.
Getting stood up
Yes it does happen, not very often mind you, but something to be
aware of. Most Internet dates are effectively ‘blind dates’ and many
people, especially first timers get very nervous at the prospect.
Occasionally you might get stood up for whatever reason. Don’t
take it personally, get back online and get yourself another date.
The vanishing perfect date
Many an Internet dater will be able to tell you a story of how they
met this fantastic person who sounded like a dream come true. They
emailed every day, were getting along fantastically and were about
to arrange a date when all of a sudden they vanish off the face of the
earth and were never heard from again.
This is unfortunately very common, and you have to experience
it yourself to realise that it is actually possible. But it does happen
and it can be a real disappointment. This is even more common
with people you meet and correspond with through chat rooms and
ICQ.
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Some possible explanations are that people can lose their email
accounts, computers can crash and contact details get lost, they can
meet someone else, or their circumstances change and they have
moved on to greener pastures. Perhaps they were just window-
shopping?
The Internet can be a fragile communications medium. Try and
get as many contact details as possible (phone, address, multiple
emails, etc.) to reduce your risk of becoming another victim of ‘the
vanishing perfect date’ syndrome.
Can I pencil you in for next month?
You’ve met this great person, they like you and you like them, so
you ask them out on a date – only to be confronted with, “Sorry,
but I’m busy for the next few weeks, can we make it sometime next
month?”
You probe a little more and ask if a quick coffee after work would
be ok, but they will most likely have an excuse for every waking
hour of the day. They just don’t seem to want to make an effort to
meet you. “How hard could it be to meet up for coffee,” you think?
This scenario is surprisingly common, and it usually means that
the other person isn’t really excited at the idea of meeting you,
even if they sound excited. Sending emails is one thing, but when
it comes to actually meeting someone they just aren’t quite sure.
Lets face it, if the other person is seriously looking for Mr/Ms Right
then they are going to make an effort to meet you, regardless of
how busy their life is. Very few people will have a genuine excuse
for not being able to meet you for 30 min.
There is nothing you can do but hold them to any promises
they make and keep the correspondence going.
It’s different for girls
Internet dating basically has one set of rules for girls and another
set for guys. Or more precisely, it could be described as one set of
odds for girls and another set for guys.
Girls can (but not always) have it pretty easy when it comes to
getting a date on the Internet. You are almost guaranteed a date
every night of the week if you want it, and you can expect almost a
100% reply rate to your emails. You can do the most extensive and
nit picking profile search that you like and still end up with dozens
of profiles with photos.
Want a guy over 6’ with blue eyes, blonde hair, doesn’t smoke,
social drinker, and degree educated with an athletic body? – no
problem, a search will reveal probably a dozen profiles and a date
by this Friday night, and that’s just on one singles site.
Guys on the other hand can have it tough. Want to find that same
stringent criteria in a girl? Good luck, you are going to need it, and
then even more luck to get a reply. You will usually have to settle
for less strict criteria and no photo or body type description.
That’s not to say it’s guaranteed for girls and impossible for guys.
On the contrary, some guys get more dates than some girls and vice
versa; it’s how you approach it, how you present yourself and how
you play the whole game. That’s the aim of this book, helping you
to get the best possible odds.
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